Poor Cupid… every February 14 his arrow continues to be bent and twisted by marketers. They redirect its aim from inspiring real expressions of love to encouraging empty consumerism. They offer us “stuff” (the heart-ier and redder the better) through which to pour out our feelings. It runs the gamut from the cliché and cheesy to the very, very wrong.
So we decided to seek retribution for the Roman god of love by rounding-up our picks for Top 10 Worst & Most Bizarre Valentine’s Day Gifts being peddled this year.
Our Top 10 include gifts you are going to wish you NEVER receive and gifts we hope you think twice about EVER giving.
Top 10 Worst & Most Bizarre Valentine’s Day Gifts
1. Red Heart Shaped Lovers Mitten
The Etsy retailer offering this item suggests that you “snuggle down for warm romantic walks” with it. We suggest that you do yourself a favor and never voluntarily choose to be seen in public using this.
2. Mustache Love Pin
AlwaysFits.com says this is a great gift for V-day because the woman who receives it can “show a little mustache love”. Do you know a single woman who wants to show her little mustache any love or advertise that she has one?
3. At Home Personal Waxing Kit
Speaking of lady ‘staches and other hair raising notions, this item is listed as one of the “Valentine’s Day Gifts – Top Picks” on Gifts.com and we can’t think of a bigger V-day gift blunder. Calling attention to our body hair and giving us the not-so-subtle hint that you’d like us to remove it, via self-administered torture, will NOT work in your favor.
4. Deer Head Hook
Another “Valentine’s Day Gifts – Top Picks” from Gifts.com falls strangely into the faux-taxidermy category. They say, “What a deer.” We say, “Oh dear! What ever made you think that I would willingly want to put my keys on a lopped-off-animal-head mounted to the wall?”
5. F-Bomb Paperweight
Uncommon Goods is one of our go-to sites for all things unique, but we think they missed the love mark by recommending this as a Valentine’s Day Gift “For Boyfriend”. We imagine the accompanying heartfelt presentation going something like this, “Honey… you and your filthy potty mouth are so special to me. Happy f*%$ing Valentine’s Day!”
6. Heart Takes Flight Wedge
Hearts AND wings? We’re in Valentine’s Day hell with this foot gear that Modcloth.com is trying to pass off as a shoe. They say it’s supposed to make our “entire being palpitate”. Just what we want… a gift that makes us suffer a heart arrhythmia AND a major fashion emergency, simultaneously.
7. Coco Bear Jumbo Caramel Apple
Chocolate… ok. A caramel apple on a stick… maybe. A stuffed bear with a heart… not so much, unless you are under age 13. When you put them all together, you just get a super cheesy mess. There is nothing “deliciously elegant” about this Mrs. Prindable’s.
8. I Totally Heart You T-shirt
This T-shirt from zazzle.com takes the “heart” concept to a creepy Silence Of The Lambs level. Aside from that, we prefer you wear your heart on your sleeve, not on the outside of your chest.
9. Candy G-String
Spencer’s says, “The candy necklace of your childhood gets an erotic upgrade with this super-sweet and super-sexy Candy Lingerie.” We say, “Well thank you VERY MUCH for ruining a perfectly lovely childhood memory.”
10. Hoodie Footies
PajamaGram.com lists its “Foxy Hoodie Footie” as a “Valentine’s Day Favorite for Women”. Yep… that’s right, nothing says “SEXY” like a grown woman in full body, footie PJs complete with a hood, animal ears, and a fox tail embroidered on the back. Are they serious? To prove they are, we threw in a shot of the guy version. Guess they want us ALL to look ridiculous on Valentine’s Day.
Our advice, do Cupid a favor and stick to simply saying “I love you!”