In researching the New Year’s Eve kiss tradition, we came across an article written by a guy who claims to have felt “sick to the stomach”, “like an outsider” and “like a failure as a man” when he previously endured “painful” New Year’s Eves without a woman to share a kiss with at midnight. WOW… is there a therapist in the house? Eventually, Mr. Sad Sack turned his dating life around and is now offering other men his best techniques for “getting a New Year’s Eve kiss”. We read on, only to find an advice train wreck that went from bad to worse, leaving us sick to OUR stomachs and totally creeped out.
The cringe worthy “How To Get A New Year’s Eve Kiss” article lives on TheModernMan.com. It’s a dating advice site founded by Dan Bacon, some guy who has seemingly built an online business by teaching (and selling) dating tips to men under the umbrella of his company’s “proven system for success with women”.
How was this so-called proven system concocted you might ask? It’s the bi-product of Dan’s own personal journey of transforming himself from “hopeless with women” into “the type of guy that women desperately want”. Is it safe to assume that the latter title is the result of a self administered survey that had only one respondent?
Though Dan has no discernible credentials as a relationship expert other than “coaching over 650 guys in person and literally showing them how to approach and pick up women”, his company GUARANTEES a guy will succeed with women using his “Dating Power” system.
This is a system that, according to the site, has been tested “in all sorts of social environments, including parties, workplaces, nightclubs, cafes, shopping malls and bookstores”. That makes it sound perfectly scientific and legit, right?
To add to the credibility of his system, Dan was sure to include a photo gallery of “some of the many HOTTIES” he has hooked up with since learning what he now teaches on his site.
Can you hear us laughing? Because we haven’t stopped since we stumbled on this portal of ridiculously archaic platitudes, some of which are truly nausea inducing.
Ok, so back to New Year’s Eve. We drilled down The Modern Man’s (TMM’s) tips on how to get a midnight kiss (and escalate that midnight kiss into sex in the same night), highlighting THE MOST colorful tidbits of advice EXACTLY as they were delivered by their esteemed author, Dan Bacon.
TMM Tip 1: “You must realize and BELIEVE that women are WAY more open to random kisses on New Year’s Eve.”
WYSK: Nice generalization Dan. Also, just because you BELIEVE something to be true, does not make it reality. Visualization techniques are just not going to fly in this scenario. So guys, before you unleash the random kiss plot that Dan has instructed you to envision, let us remind you that the woman actually has a say in the intended lip lock.
TMM Tip 2: “The Hug Technique”
“You see a group of women walking around and having fun. Walk up and say, ‘Eyyh! Happy New Years guys!’ with a smile. If the women respond well and turn their attention to you (indicating that they are open to continuing to interact with you), smile and say, ‘Come here – Give me a New Year’s hug!’ Then, after the hug, you can naturally transition to a kiss.”
WYSK: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww… anyone else feel like they need to take a shower? We did when we read this.
Beyond the creep factor, we love your sense of overinflated confidence that your demand for a New Year’s Eve hug will actually be met by one of these women that you’ve known for 2.2 seconds, and will then be followed by a kiss since you say, “after the hug… transition to a kiss”. Do you honestly believe the ribbons of ridiculousness that come out of your mouth? Oh yeah… you’re the “BELIEVE and it will be” guy, so we guess you do. WOW!
TMM Tip 3: The Hug Technique Birthday Bonus
“Use The Hug Technique when a woman says it’s her birthday. It has led to kissing and sex on the same night SO many times that it’s not funny.”
WYSK: C’mon Dan. No one likes a liar… oops, we mean bragger.
Guys of the world, despite Dan’s bravado, you should know that modern women are not into men who tally the amount of sex they’ve had with another consenting adult by saying “SO many times it’s not funny”, especially since we know that statement is accompanied by some sort of high five or fist bump action.
TMM Tip 4: “DON’T wait until midnight to kiss her.”
“Why? Women are more open to moving things forward quicker on NYE.” “Begin escalating to touch (use the Hug Technique) as soon as you meet the woman. Then, as things heat up, escalate to a kiss.”
WYSK: Ladies… I think we should thank Dan for teaching us something about ourselves. He’s a real sage who can see directly into the window of our souls. Clearly he knows more about what we ALL want than even we do. Sigh.
Dan… can you give the creepy “Hug Technique” a rest already? It really makes our skin crawl.
TMM Tip 5: “If the clock strikes 12 and you still don’t have a woman to kiss, look out for the women who…”
“1. Are looking around the room/venue/place as though they are searching for someone they know. There’s a chance that she doesn’t have anyone. So, make eye contact with her, smile and then use The Hug Technique. 2. Are smiling mischievously and looking around at guys, but are not ‘with’ any of them. Approach her, smile and make eye contact. If she holds your eye contact and keeps smiling, go ahead and kiss her.”
WYSK: How about if you don’t have anyone to kiss at midnight you just leave it at that? Why are you trying to drag an unsuspecting and/or unattached woman into your personal nightmare? Way to be creepy AND selfish. Learn to love yourself Dan and then maybe you can get over your “single on New Year’s Eve” complex.
On the chance that your desperate and weird room scan works, and you “lock in” on a woman who happens to hold your eye contact, your spin is that this gives you the go ahead to kiss her… kiss this perfect stranger? Did it ever occur to you, Dan, that this woman, who does not know you, noticed you psychotically staring at her and is only intently staring back at you so she can give a proper description to the police should you continue to stalk her on New Year’s as if she’s some kind of prey you are preparing to pounce on. You do realize that this tip, among others, makes you sound like a lecherous creep, right?
TMM Tip 6: Have transportation sorted out
“I remember a time when I had to get a woman (my first ever catwalk model) to walk 20 minutes to my car to come home with me on NYE.” “When I finally got her home (a 45-minute drive from where we met!), the effort was definitely worth it. She was a very sexy young woman (18 years old) and we ended up staying awake for hours just getting it on.”
WYSK: Ok… where do we even start? How delightfully ironic that Dan calls himself The Modern Man, yet he lives so deep in the dark ages.
Dan, there’s a name for people like you… but we’ll leave the one we’re thinking of to our readers’ imagination.
Our Modern Women’s Advice To Modern Men
To ALL the modern men of the world from this group of modern women… if your sole goal for tonight happens to be scoring yourself a New Year’s Eve kiss, then for the love of all things good and right in the world, do yourself and ALL the women in the room a favor and DO NOT follow Dan’s advice.
He seems to think there’s some merit, possibly even valor, in embracing the loathsome male stereotype he’s so proudly living. And it’s really sad that his only aspiration is to reincarnate the quintessential, cheesy, lowbrow character from an 80s movie (i.e. think Mike Damone from Fast Times At Ridgemont High – “I mean I just send out this vibe and I have personally found that women do respond. I mean, something happens.”)
Trust us… we prefer men who don’t require coaching to connect with us… you know the guys who just know how NOT to make total asses of themselves.
Happy New Year! Kiss, kiss… but only who you want and when you want.