In a recent “review” of director Judd Apatow’s upcoming Trainwreck (July 2015), starring and written by Amy Schumer of Comedy Central’s Emmy-nominated Inside Amy Schumer, Hollywood Elsewhere blogger Jeffrey Wells describes the movie’s lead as “chubby,” with Lou Costello-esque “wide facial features,” and likens her to “Jennifer Aniston’s somewhat heavier, not-as-lucky sister who watches a lot of TV.” In the end, all he winds up doing is making an excellent case that he is the real train wreck in his own story.
Wells (pictured right) starts off by blaming Apatow for “once again introducing a chubby, whipsmart, not conventionally attractive, neurotically bothered female comic to a mass audience – first Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids (’11), then Lena Dunham in HBO’s Girls (’12) and now Amy Schumer…” He then throws this backhanded compliment to the latter of these three very talented and accomplished women, “She’s obviously sharp and clever and funny as far as the woe-is-me, self-deprecating thing goes, but there’s no way she’d be an object of heated romantic interest in the real world.”
But his spewing of useless verbal vomit didn’t stop there. He writes a follow up piece – his “Schlumpies and Dumpies” thesis – in which he 1) lays out HIS assessment of “what’s hot” and “what’s not” when it comes to women, 2) knocks Apatow for “backing women who mostly have it inside rather than outside…,” and 3) shares his vile, beef industry-like grading system for women, which is based on the “standards” by which he was “raised” and has “been responding to all through the ’70s, ’80s, ’90s and the aughts.”
“By today’s standards any homely or marginal or bearded, overfed, gross-looking guy or girl can hook up with good-looking types and nobody bats an eyelash.”
“Standards of hotness change over time. We’re now living in an age, partly if not largely perpetrated by the films and scenarios of producer-director Judd Apatow, in which Schlumpies and Dumpies have been sold to the public as the kind of people you want to go out with, go home with, get married to, etc.”
He goes on…
“I grew up in a world in which conventionally attractive or semi-attractive people used to be the ones who got laid the most often. Trust me — I used to do quite well at the Westport Players Tavern in the mid to late ’70s, and I had a good sense of what worked and what didn’t. And if a girl who looked like Trainwreck‘s Amy Schumer was to stroll into that scene, she would have had a nice time but she would not be ardently pursued by the flannel-shirt-wearing wolves, of which I was definitely one. By the standards of that time she just isn’t top-of-the-line…sorry.”
Enter backhanded compliment #2…
“Schumer is brilliant, talented and somewhat funny but she’s not grade-A or even B-plus material, certainly by my standards as well as those of any moderately attractive, fair-minded youngish heterosexual dude who’s feeling hormonal or what-have-you.”
And then, his attempt at an apology after folks in the Twitter-sphere, whom he refers to as “a snarling, foaming-at-the-mouth pack of Twitter dogs,” tore his hotness tome to shreds:
“I certainly didn’t say Schumer was ugly (a word that I never, ever use) or fat in the least. I used the word ‘chubby’ but I should have more specifically observed that while she’s fairly slim she does has a wide, chubby-ish face.”
Oooooooooh yeah Jeff… we TOTALLY get what you meant now (massive eye roll).
But amongst all of the reactionary Twitter chatter Mr. Wells provoked, the best Tweet came from Amy Schumer herself…